Archive for April, 2007

Monkey Brains

Monkey brains?

I love lying to children.

Probably, in this way, I am taking after my father. Lord knows all the ridiculous things he managed to convince me of as a child. (I still sometimes wonder if he was really lying about the origins of Cheetos…)

My most common lies, being answers to the most common questions, are that I am 83 years old (some clever munckins eventually figure that one out), and that I have seven girlfriends, five wives, 17 children, and 50-odd grandchildren. Generally, past 4th grade, none of these are believed. Of living in a tree house in the mountains I can sometimes convince even 5th graders.

Last Sunday afternoon, on my way home from some good times hiking, socializing, and singing in Donghae, I stopped off at the Gohan city market (read market in the traditional sense of old ladies with little booths selling foodstuffs) to get some fruit and vegetables. On my way out, I ran into several hordes of schoolchildren, who all proceeded to bombard me. I am quite a celebrity, I’ll have you know. Ever curious, they demanded to know the nature of my recent purchases. Before I had a chance to respond, one of them grabbed the bottom of the black plastic bag in which I had two sizable heads of broccoli. With a lost look he demanded what it was he was feeling. Without a moment’s hesitation, it was obvious that the answer was monkey brains.

Now, this boy, a third year elementary schooler, I could expect to believe it. (Especially as no self-respecting man would buy himself vegetables in this country!) With a gasp and a step back he proclaimed to the 20 or so other students nearby that I really had monkey brains in a bag. A few ninth grade boys and girls were standing near enough to cop some feels of the bag before I managed to put it into my backpack. With shocked expressions they inquired if it was true. I said, of course. Monkey brains make me smarter. Where did I buy them? Well, since they’re illegal I certainly could not disclose my source! One girl invited herself to my house to eat some with me. I politely declined and was on my way.

Now, the next day, at the boys’ middle school, pretty much the whole school was very curious about my unique delicacy. And they weren’t joking. At that point it dawned on me that not even had the munchkins believed me, but a number of very intelligent fourteen year-olds too. Surely this can’t be a case of blind gullibility!

No, I’m sure it’s not. What it is, you see, is that in Korea people routinely eat really, really gross things. Whether it’s thought to be “good for man” (like eel; real imaginative that one) or just plain delicious (mm… larvae, worms, and river frogs), no small animal is too gross for the Korean palate. Monkey brains, I suppose, may be even less a stretch of the imagination than broccoli.

Green monkey brains!

In other news, I’m going to North Korea in June.